Well a month has past, and I can say my wellbeing has improved. Theres no real spaztastic urgency here, I'm not jumping out of my seat screaming "Yippie kay yay," but I can say that I'm ever slightly more content. I just feel better being able to make better sense of myself. Knowing who I am, and accepting who I am.
If I would of had this mentality earlier in life, my life would probably be very different than it is now. But I didn't. At 28 years old, I have drifted so far, far away from the life I could have attained. I lived the facade. I played the sports, I served in the military, got married, had kids, maintained a career in the most type A environments you can imagine. Then it started breaking down. I've been divorced, I've since quit my job. It's been several years of miserable decline- and even through all of that I chose to deny myself treatment or therapy. Now I'm at a point where I can afford neither.
Now I don't know about anyone else, but since I can remember I've felt incredible guilt through every major step. I knew I wasn't right when I got married, I knew I wasn't right to be a father, but just like I was trained to do- I caved. I lived up to someone else's expectations, society's expectations.
The weight has just become far too great. I can't tolerate it anymore. I can't tell you the number of times of considered suicide. [not a cry for help thing here.] I need an outlet. I need something, anything to just make everything just fucking stop. I don't know how else to put it. I just want everything to stop.
I'm reading through everyone's blogs, and it seems we are all on different levels of how AGP/crossdreaming/TS/TG/and-whatever-the-hell-you-happen-to-be effects us. I can say that as a younger adult, I wasn't effected as much. I don't know if its hormones, don't know if its just age, and further more I don't know if I even care why at all, but, I know at this particular time in my life, i feel it. I feel it a lot.
But I want to change back to my initial tone here. What I'm saying is I don't want to deny myself anymore, at least when I don't have to. I want to be content. I want to actually listen to my own wants, and do things that I want to do- and I'm going to start.
I'll probably fail at this, but I need to try.
But I want to change back to my initial tone here. What I'm saying is I don't want to deny myself anymore, at least when I don't have to. I want to be content. I want to actually listen to my own wants, and do things that I want to do- and I'm going to start.
I'll probably fail at this, but I need to try.
What are you going to do? You are very brave if you're talking about some level of transition. I tell myself I would never transition; I am tall with broad shoulders, large hands, masculine features, square jaw, slightly receded hairline, all of the features that you expect in a male. The best I could ever hope for in transitioning would be a poor facsimile of some woman-like features, and underneath it all I would still know I was just the same guy with modified bits; a very far cry from the actual dream.
ReplyDeleteI can't help but wonder if I was young again, prebuscent and undeveloped, knowing what I know now, if I might have tried to pull it off. Maybe in the future there will be advanced medical technology to make things possible. Who knows, maybe there is even a spiritual solution? It's frustrating to have to wait so long to find out.
Whatever you do, keep us posted; it's good to have a few others online to relate to; the typical trans forums are very unsympathetic to people claiming AGP/Crossdreaming tendencies in my experience.
Hang in there. You can't fail if in the end you learned something about yourself, if you became more in touch with just who you are. I think of all things in life, the path to self discovery can be the hardest. Yet I also feel it is the most rewarding path in life as well. I would rather know who I am and where I fit in than to not know and just wander aimlessly through life always following what others want me to do, be who they want me to be.
ReplyDeleteHave you noticed that there is a strong association between crossdressing and foot fetishism? This isn't coincidental. There's something going on in here.
ReplyDeleteLet me get this straight. What does the association mean. Does it suggest that there is a causal relationship between crossdressing and foot fetishism? Does crossdressing cause foot fetishism? Or does foot fetishists develop crossdressing desires?
I have soon discovered that many of the foot fetishists DEVELOP a crossdressing fetish AFTER they started in wearing woman's shoes. Why does it happen?
I have a theory of why this happens? Do you know what arouses foot fetishists? The answers is that they are aroused by women's feet. They are also aroused by women's shoes. This arousal from women's shoes does occur in itself. For example, if they have seen a cute pair of women's shoes in a clothing store, then they WILL be somewhat aroused by the shoe itself, even if no one is wearing them. Because they find the shoes itself arousing, regardless of who's wearing them, they, too, will be aroused if they wear the shoes on themselves. In conclusion, if you have a STRONG attraction to women's feet and shoes, then you WILL be aroused by the shoes, even if YOU are the one wearing them.
It's just the intention of your attraction by women's shoes which decides whether or not you like to wear women's shoes. If you are a WEAKLY aroused by women's shoes, then you might not find wearing them by yourself arousing. But if you are STRONGLY aroused by women's shoes, then you find that wearing them arouses you. It's just the STRENGTH of your attraction to women's shoes which determines your arousal if YOU wear them.
Based on this assumption, then the general population has autogynephilia to some degree.
I have seen many pantyhose fetishists DEVELOP autogynephilia ONLY AFTER they have started wearing women's pantyhose AND then they decided to take a shot of what it's like if they wear women's clothing on their entire body. Then, they WILL GET HOOKED by it after they tried. Autogynephilia can DEVELOPED by a pantyhose fetish.
I don't have a breast fetish. This means that I'm not aroused by women's breasts as much as other people. Therefore, I don't have a bra fetish either. I don't get aroused if I wear women's bras.
I think autogynephilia is NOT something you're born with. I think autogynephilia is TRIGGERED by some strong attraction such as women's shoes and THEN you develop it after you extended your desire to wear women's shoes to wearing women's clothing entirely.
@Organism as a whole - you base your assumption that AGP is not inborn on your own experience of it only, which is not a very effective way to come to a useful conclusion.
ReplyDeleteThere are many AGPs (myself included) where the point of sexual arousal is and has always been the actual thought of having a woman's body. I do not cross dress and the only interest I have in female clothing is as an extension of my desire to have a female body.
Another thing to consider (in this case I only speak for myself; I don't know how many other people relate to this) it took a very long time (30 years old) to discover I even had a problem. I couldn't figure out why I had so much trouble climaxing in sex, and I always sort of considered my desire to be a woman just some sort of fringe thing I was "indulging in", yet when I would try to fantasize about having sex with women, I just couldn't get there, no matter how much I tried.
Your sexual attraction mechanisms are not a choice. Nobody "chooses" to be straight, gay, AGP, TG or whatever else there is. They may choose to hide it, neglect it, embrace it or whatever, but you don't get to choose it. It's always there in one form or another. If you think you can choose what you're attracted to and what turns you on, try to choose something random as your turn on and force yourself to fantasize about it. I can guarantee it's not going to work.
This doesn't develop over time, you simply gain a greater understanding of its existence and how it defines you.
I have "partial" autogynephilia. I'm aroused by having feet which looks like women's. I'm not annoyed by any other part of my male body, except, of course my feet. Therefore, I'm not as distracted by my body as much as "complete autogynephiles."
ReplyDeleteAn implication of my condition is that it makes me want to wear feminine-looking sneakers, socks, stockings, and other forms of footed hosiery.
I used to have "complete autogynephilia." I wanted to look completely like a woman. But as I understood more about the etiology of my condition, my complete autogynephilia collapsed into "partial" autogynephilia so my only problems are wanting to wear feminine sneakers and footed hosiery.
I know at least one other person who partially "cured" their autogynephilia.
He could be found here and here.
He used to have complete autogynephilia, but cured it and now he only wants to wear women's shoes.
In general, every autogynephile is different. Some people are more "prone" to autogynephilia than others. A foot fetish, for example, may increase the likelihood for autogynephilia. Almost all the pantyhose fetishists that I have seen also have a foot fetish. Most of them are not aroused by footless pantyhose. Therefore, a foot fetish will make one more prone to wearing pantyhose.
I am wondering if my thoughts and perspectives might be of interest to you. I transitioned completely in just over 14 months when I was in my very early 20's. I am now 63. It is never too late to be who you really are.
ReplyDeleteIf so, I would strongly urge you to start at the beginning of the posts and spend some time following the various links. There is a wealth of information as well as some possible insights. I think you might be able to find some answers to at least some of your questions.