First things first. In my last post I went off the deep end toward the end. I want to apologize for that. Moving on.
I think I am a transexual. Again, it's really hard to tell if I am because of my AGP, but I am definitely leaning toward the female end of the gender spectrum here. Put it this way: I'm more sure that I should have been born a girl than my current form.
I've come to realize that I've been suppressing some pretty harsh/traumatic childhood memories- ones that are sort of tipping the scale toward me being a transexual. Before, I would shrug these off as being mere remembrances of events toward developing my gender identity, in sort of a Freudian-like thought process.
I'm going to share one now, and its something I've never typed or spoken about.
I don't remember the exact year or how old I was, but I'm sure it was somewhere before the age of ten. I remember losing a tooth. I remember my mother telling me to write a note to the tooth fairy- to accompany my tooth.
And so I did. I wished to be a girl. I wrote it down. I fucking wrote it down.
I came to realize there was actually no tooth fairy though. Shortly after, days, weeks, I'm not sure, I caught my father trying on my mothers one-piece swimsuit. Only, I didn't actually *catch* anything, that is until he raised his index finger to his lips to shush me.
I stood there watching him, and then something even stranger happened. He ran out of his bedroom, and all over the house and in front of my mother. He kept yelling, "Look at me, I'm (my name)," repeatedly. My mother was laughing hysterically.
As my mother was laughing, while my father was mocking my very being- I became a traitor to myself. Even though I remember the sadness, I began to laugh with them. I caved to the pressure.
To this day, we have never spoke about any of this.
But moving on again. This happened well before puberty. And this means something. It means that the pre-sexual version me understood gender before the sexual version of me did. And I wanted to be a girl.
And even now after having spent twenty something years, I think this is still the case.
Thanks for reading.
I've come to realize that I've been suppressing some pretty harsh/traumatic childhood memories- ones that are sort of tipping the scale toward me being a transexual. Before, I would shrug these off as being mere remembrances of events toward developing my gender identity, in sort of a Freudian-like thought process.
I'm going to share one now, and its something I've never typed or spoken about.
I don't remember the exact year or how old I was, but I'm sure it was somewhere before the age of ten. I remember losing a tooth. I remember my mother telling me to write a note to the tooth fairy- to accompany my tooth.
And so I did. I wished to be a girl. I wrote it down. I fucking wrote it down.
I came to realize there was actually no tooth fairy though. Shortly after, days, weeks, I'm not sure, I caught my father trying on my mothers one-piece swimsuit. Only, I didn't actually *catch* anything, that is until he raised his index finger to his lips to shush me.
I stood there watching him, and then something even stranger happened. He ran out of his bedroom, and all over the house and in front of my mother. He kept yelling, "Look at me, I'm (my name)," repeatedly. My mother was laughing hysterically.
As my mother was laughing, while my father was mocking my very being- I became a traitor to myself. Even though I remember the sadness, I began to laugh with them. I caved to the pressure.
To this day, we have never spoke about any of this.
But moving on again. This happened well before puberty. And this means something. It means that the pre-sexual version me understood gender before the sexual version of me did. And I wanted to be a girl.
And even now after having spent twenty something years, I think this is still the case.
Thanks for reading.
That was one harrowing story. Either your parents were plain out cruel, or they believed in some insanely misguided way that this "therapy" would "cure" you of your condition. In any case it was a terrible thing to do.
ReplyDeleteYou have inspired me to write a post about childhood crossdreaming (AGP) which I will put up in a week or so. There are a lot of examples of crossdreamers who felt a longing to be the other sex long before puberty.
In my case I can remember dreams at the same age as you are reporting -- around 9 I guess.
I remember being in 4th grade at school, which would have made me about 9 years old, and wishing I could be in the body of one of the girls in the class. The thing though that strikes me as different to "classic" transgenderism (as best I understand it) is that everything I read suggests that a classic M2F transgender person already feels like a female and needs their body to change to match their brain, whereas I have never felt female, but rather have always had an overwhelming desire to become female and allow my brain and reality to sink into and experience a new reality as a female. It has never even bothered me if, were my fantasy to come true, I still felt like my old male self in my head, as long as I could experience my physical reality in true female form, with the chance that I would then transition mentally to "feeling" female on a psychological level.
ReplyDeleteSarah, I sort of know what you mean. The idea of poofing myself into the female form and leaving my brain alone is actually MORE appealing to me than the idea instantaneously assuming the female perspective. Probably because that wouldn't be MY perspective.
ReplyDeleteJack, It's true. I rarely speak with my parents. They didn't and I'm sure still don't know that they were mentally abusing me though my whole upbringing. I was and do have gender dysphoria. I displayed all the signs, and they let me down.
I can only imagine how different my life would have been had I of been born into a more suitable family.